Talking with kids and teens about consent

Why start early

Talking about consent with young children isn't about sex. It's about body autonomy, respect and trust: my body belongs to me, other people's bodies belong to them, and I can always tell a trusted adult.

Children who have the words and the confidence to talk about their bodies are better able to recognize when something isn't right, and to tell someone.

It doesn't have to be one big talk. Lots of small, ordinary conversations work better.

Age by age

1. 2 to 5Preschool

   • Use the correct names for body parts, including private parts, so children can talk clearly about their bodies.
   • Teach that their body belongs to them. They can say no to hugs and kisses, even from relatives, and offer a wave or high five instead.
   • Model asking: Can I pick you up? Do you want a hug?
   • Explain the difference between surprises, which are fun and everyone finds out soon, and secrets. No one should ask them to keep a secret about touching.

2. 6 to 9Early school years

   • Talk about personal space and respecting other children's no, including during rough play and tickling.
   • Help them name the trusted adults they can go to.
   • Make sure they know it's never their fault if someone touches them in a way that isn't okay, and that they won't be in trouble for telling.
   • Start simple online rules: ask before sharing photos of anyone, and tell an adult if something online makes them uncomfortable.

3. 10 to 12Pre-teens

   • Talk about puberty, crushes and changing friendships.
   • Explain that pressure, from friends or anyone else, isn't consent.
   • Discuss images: never take or share pictures of others without permission, and never forward a nude, even as a joke.
   • Practise saying no and leaving a situation. Agree on a code word they can text you to be picked up, no questions asked.
   • Talk about people online who ask them to keep their friendship secret.

4. 13 to 15Young teens

   • Talk about healthy relationships: respect, equality, trust, and being able to say no without fear.
   • Explain the basics of the age of consent.
   • Talk about pressure to send nudes, and about sextortion, when someone threatens to share images unless they get more images or money. Tell them they can always come to you, and that they won't be in trouble.
   • Talk about alcohol and drugs, and why someone who is very drunk can't consent.
   • Encourage them to look out for friends and to step in safely.

5. 16 and 17Older teens

   • Talk about consent in detail: freely given, clear, specific, ongoing, and able to be withdrawn at any time.
   • Explain that at 16 and 17, they can't legally consent to sexual activity with someone in a position of trust or authority over them, someone they depend on, or someone in a relationship that exploits them.
   • Talk about the law on intimate images, including fake and AI-generated ones, and the harm sharing causes.
   • Talk about what to do if a friend tells them something happened.
   • Keep the door open: You can always tell me, even if you think I'll be upset.

How to have the conversation

• Use everyday moments: a scene in a show, a news story, a question in the car.
• Keep it short and calm. Several short talks beat one long lecture.
• Answer honestly, at their level. It's fine to say I don't know. Let's find out.
• Listen more than you talk, and ask what they think.
• Model it yourself: ask before hugging, and respect their no.

Signs something may be wrong

Children rarely say it outright, so pay attention to changes.

• sudden changes in mood, sleep, eating or schoolwork
• fear of a particular person or place, or not wanting to be left alone with someone
• going back to younger behaviour, such as bedwetting
• sexual knowledge or behaviour that isn't typical for their age
• an adult or older youth who gives them special attention or gifts, looks for time alone with them, or asks them to keep secrets
• secretive phone or internet use, or new apps and contacts they hide

These signs don't prove abuse, but they're a reason to check in, gently and calmly.

If your child tells you

• Stay calm. Your reaction tells them whether it was safe to tell you.
• Believe them, and tell them they did the right thing.
• Don't push for details or ask leading questions. Leave that to trained professionals.
• Tell them it's not their fault.
• Keep them safe from the person involved.
• Report it to the police or your local child protection agency. In many places the law requires a report to child protection, especially if the person who harmed your child is a caregiver or you can't keep your child safe from them. If you're not sure, call the agency and ask.
• Get support for yourself too.

For help with images or online exploitation, NeedHelpNow.ca supports young people whose images have been shared, Cybertip.ca takes reports, and ProtectKidsOnline.ca has online safety guides for parents. Young people can reach Kids Help Phone 24/7 at 1-800-668-6868, or by texting CONNECT to 686868.